This nasty thing should be and IS coming to an end. I’m getting sick and tired of walking in circle…and become nothing yet in any field I like. Maybe it’s my failure, maybe it’s my process to become what I want to be (gosh! it’s a bit shameful to say that since I’m going 40 in a few more years…). BUT, I’m happy to find myself finally come this point when I feel awakened by the ‘force’.. (not pun of Starwars’ The Force Awakens). I’m feeling awakened after a huge time of Procrastipation!
Some of you might be wondering, guessing, or even browsing for ‘Procrastipation’. I got this word just this morning from my husband, J. As he was getting ready to work we had a small talk related to our last night’s before-bed talk. I thought it was purely his own pun – which he is very good at. Just a moment ago I Googled up, apparently it IS a recognized word! Quoting Urbandictionary.com, here is what it means:
However in my case, the suffer from procrastipation is more adaptable in writing and art/drawing – two areas that I enjoy and feel I can be very good at if I work hard.
Stretching back to school years, my drawings were almost everytime well-praised by my art teachers from primary to high school’s, that made one of my older sisters sent me to a drawing club during my high school years. Much later in recent years; I have bought a drawing tablet about a year ago complete with a set of Wacom Inkling (thank my father-in-law for his indirect gift!). I’ve watched tons of awesome drawing-painting tutorial vids on Youtube. I have joined an artists group in my city and sometimes attend its monthly Urban Sketching. I even joined a collab local and foreigner painting exhibition (in my city now) over a year ago sponsored by Bentley. I loaded my computer with some digital drawing software (Photoshop, Ilustrator, After effects, plus tutorial videos of each). YET, I haven’t produced any single work that i am so happy with and proud of, that makes me able to confidently and proudly say, “I am an artist!”
I am and have been so interested in writing! I think -and believe- that I can be very good at it. Back in high-school, I remember I got either 8 or 9 for a writing task. The old strict and perfectionist lady (a.k.a. my teacher) mentioned how impressed she was about that work in front of the class. She didn’t say the student’s name but I am 99% sure it was mine because the story she was telling the class about was exactly like what I wrote. I felt honoured especially when there was no other work were mentioned with such detail, praise, and smile (I can still vividly see that smile!). Later in College years, I took some journalistic courses from different organizers. I never turned into a journalist but I never feel like giving up my interest in writing. Instead I go blogging…eventhough with LOTS of long pauses. So, in one of the journalistic courses I took, participants had to make some news & feature from a real life, and my work was among a few works that were well-praised by a tutor whom I looked up to because she was part of bravest journalists back then when my country was still in awful dictatorship era. I have some friends who are professional writers or into writings, stay in touch with them, and we support each other in writings. With a team of around 10 people, I have done writing a non-profit book about Indonesian mixed-couple’s life which is inspired by a mixed-couple group my friends and I managing. I always want to write my own books. Books about a lot of things that has been a concern to me…YET, I haven’t done any big work. Not a single book yet. No continuous blogging either. No tangible works that allows me to confidently and proudly say “I am a writer!”.
Meanwhile, I have all times in my hand. Being in China with no jobs nor children gives me a big luxury to work hard on my fields of interest, to build my skill and passion to its limit. The luxury of time that my husband (as sole earner of the family) dying to have! I have been always busy with other things, always have things to do for and with family and friends. But ‘ignored’ the need to focus on my own self-development and well-being.
That is because I procrastinate A LOT in both areas! I always knew a success needs hard work and perseverance, but for some reason I wasn’t able to apply both on the two things that I…enjoy and like doing (I avoid saying ‘I love doing’ because ‘love’ requires ‘action and consistence/repetition, two things that I’ve been lacking of). It made me severely ‘constipated’.
I often felt like carrying a burden weighs more than my body weight. Often felt like I am useless and countless. At some point (when my mood dropped to certain degree) I even felt like a looser. Luckily, I have a very understanding and supporting partner of life, who then kept saying something like “one is a looser only when s/he think and believe s/he is”. That makes much sense to me. It helped lifting my self up.
Further on, last night, wrapping up our before-bed talk, my husband who’s always there when I need a great motivator was saying things that struck me good! I can’t remember the exact wordings but it has similar meaning to this (sorry about the unavoidable S word):
“…Just keep doing it for the sake of joy in doing it, reach the hours goal of mastering things (he mentioned 10.000 hours like what he did with Tennis during his teenage years), don’t worry about writing or making sh*t…just keep sh*ting…because that only means you’re alive. If you don’t sh*t you’ll get constipated..you’re getting sick. Let it out. So keep making sh*it to stay healthy and alive..”
Other than that powerful motivation, I found 2 other striking quotes respectively in December 2014, they are:
“Be stronger than your strongest excuses!”
(a girl from my yoga Wechat group mentioned it. And…)
“Every morning when you wake up, you can either go back to sleep and continue your dream, or get up and fulfil your dream”
(this one was quoted by someone on Wechat’s moments)
Like yourself, I have seen great quotes here and there, now and then, but these 2 quotes plus 1 powerful words from my husband came across in a very defining moment; the end of last year and the very first day of this year. Together they 3 are like slap-sense from Hulk the green, which has strongly awakened me from a long empty sleep. I’m aware time is not rewindable. The luxury of time I have now is something I always wanted to have back in those years when i had job…and it maybe won’t stay with me forever.
Age wise, I won’t see this as a late awakening. I have a feeling out of billions people on earth I’m not alone with this experience. I am now only in the beginning of commitment to break free, however, for those who are suffering from procrastination or procrastipation, I’d like to say;
You are precious individual, my friends! Your talent matters. You can always break free from your heavy chain of procrastination. Find like-minded people. Find great motivator who are willing to remind you and help when procrastination starts to drag you out again. Carpe diem!
To everyone, Happy new year 2016! Happy writing!!